Yesterday I wrote a hasty blog post to convey an idea that I had spent over an hour talking about the night before. I didn't use the right verses and I was too lazy to spend enough time writing it to make the idea understood. And after a few comments I've been made aware that I didn't do the topic justice and my writing was disorganized.
One of the first blogs I ever wrote on here was about my desire to impress smart people. I read a lot of smart people's blogs and there are some smart people who read mine and all I want to do is be part of the club. A big reason I started writing was to get people asking questions, to open up lines of communication on topics that are sometimes off limits. But I'd be lying if I told you that my insecurities haven't gotten the best of me since then. I get my daily dose of affirmation every time I look at the number of pageviews on here (which may or may not be 10 times a day). If I don't post as often as Rachel Held Evans then I'm not hitting the mark. If I don't have as many brilliant ideas as Dr. Richard Beck, then I'm a moron. If I'm not as hilarious or edgy as Jamie the Very Worst Missionary then I might as well quit.
I'm trying to make a niche for myself but how will that ever happen if I'm constantly comparing myself to every single person I know (or stalk on the internet)? A while back before I ever started blogging, I told my friend Joey (who is another smart person I'm always trying to impress) that I wanted to write a book or an essay or something...I can't remember which, and he said something that he probably doesn't even remember saying, but that has stuck with me ever since. He said, "You should do that. I bet you have a lot of stuff worth saying." It was the first time I remembered someone putting value on my voice, my story, my opinions. I can't let my own insecurities cloud that out.
I may not be a theologian but theology and ideas and questions are important to me. It doesn't mean that I can't post until I know every possible detail about a topic, but it does mean that I spend enough time writing about it to do it justice. Earlier I sent a frantic and obnoxious text message to my friend Dustin, who I mentioned in yesterday's blog, that went something like this: "I tried to explain what you told me the other night about the law vs the instructions of the old testament and culture and all that stuff on my blog yesterday and I did a horrible job and everyone misunderstood me and I used the wrong verses and I'm so embarrassed. I want to write about theology stuff but I'm obviously not a theologian....what do I do?" He called me after I calmed down a little bit and reminded me that my blog is about taking people through the process of theology as much as it is about the content of theology. I'm learning, and my blog lets people peek in on what I'm learning, what questions I'm asking. That's a good reminder to take it down a notch when I'm comparing myself to people who have studied theology for years and have lots of letters by their name.
So....there will be a few changes made around here. First, I won't be blogging as often. It's not sustainable to try and write meaningful entries every work day with only a short window of time (the kids' nap) to do it. And second, I will be more open (less embarrassed) about mistakes and corrections. This blog is about learning and I want to learn from everyone.
I hope you'll continue reading and that this blog inspires you to ask questions and to seek God harder. We surely are not in any danger of getting all our questions answered.
