I am a certified control freak, holding the reins of my life with an iron fist. I try to play it off with euphemisms that might take the label "control freak" down a notch. Things like, "I'm detail oriented" or "I just have strong opinions" or usually I just say that "I'm trying to make sure things go smoothly." But while the euphemisms may be true sometimes, they mostly just come from a deep need for things to go my way.
We're five months into this year and already I feel like my life has been flipped upside down. Never mind that I say that every year...each time I'm left just as dizzy and disoriented. I mentioned earlier this week that my spiritual life as of late has been about deconstruction. A lot of long held beliefs no longer hold water. There have been some pretty painful times, but most of it has been a good, healthy letting go. And control is one of the big things I'm loosening my grip on.
This is not the first time I have tried to cure my little control problem. If you looked in every single one of my old journals you would find multiple entries detailing my struggle with being a crazy person. Begging God over and over to just take control from me since I have such a hard time giving it to Him willingly. During my Discipleship Training School I had my entire small group pray over me, hoping that their words to God on my behalf might do the trick, but knowing even while they prayed, how tightly I was still holding on.
I think the reason it was such a struggle was because I thought I still could have control if I wanted to. I thought if I tried hard enough I could make things happen exactly the way I wanted them to. Who would want to give THAT up if they had it? But as I've watched my faulty foundation crumble away beneath me, I've realized that I'm not that powerful. "No duh", you might say, but this seriously is a break through of epic proportion. I'll be honest though, the beginning stages of this break through are making me pretty apathetic. My pathetic inner dialog whines, "If I can't be sure that I'll get what I want eventually, why try?" But even in this season of apparent deadness, this numbing of my soul, I can already see something beautiful beginning to grow from it.
Some of you know that this year I have started gardening. I wasn't sure how long I'd stick with it since I tend to have the attention span of a two year old when it comes to plans for my life and hobbies. But much to my surprise, I've stayed consistent. There is something so magical about watching a small seedling transform before your eyes and bear fruit. I love pushing my hands into the dirt and feeling brief moments of connection with the earth God created. There is so much to learn about Him in the garden! John 12:24 says, "Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit." I'm the dead seed in the ground right now and it's hard for me to see light with so much dirt covering me, but I am emerging. What will I become?